After years in private practice, one theme comes up in almost every session: the search for a better relationship. Here are seven of the most common misconceptions, and the reality behind each one.
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1
I have to love everything about my partner. A habit isn’t the essence of a person. Treating an irritating habit as who they are creates conflict that doesn’t need to exist.
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2
Love means I can fix my partner. You fell for a quality in them — let it flourish rather than trying to change it.
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3
I have to give up what I like to be in a relationship. Giving up your uniqueness robs the relationship of exactly what drew you together.
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4
I’ll be rescued by a knight in shining armor. Some days you’re the one showing up for them; other days it’s reversed. That’s the partnership.
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5
It costs a lot to be in a relationship. The best of it — a walk, held hands, a shared ice cream — rarely costs anything at all.
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6
Love is just a feeling. Love is the doing. Making tea for someone whether they asked or not is the action that counts.
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7
I don’t have to work at my relationship. Communication is a skill like any other — stop practicing it, and nobody’s really listening anymore.
Love in a relationship is active, not passive.
In a better relationship there are no superior partners, just equal ones — and lack of communication is what crushes the desire for one more than anything else.
